Kyle

"February, this year, I tried to kill myself. I got memory loss from the thing. I took an overdose of my antidepressants. All I remember is waking up in the hospital in intensive care."

Waiting List and Counselling 
I will soon be starting testosterone. Three years ago, I wasn’t even on the waiting list. The waiting list is a year long.In counselling, I lied about everything. I was honest in my first session. I told them that I was still really depressed, I was struggling with an eating disorder, I was still self harming. The minute they told me that I wouldn’t be able to move forward unless I sorted that stuff out, the next appointment I told them “yeah, I’m fine. I’m not depressed anymore. I’m so happy. I go out all the time. I eat all the time. I have stopped self harming”. I have anorexia and bulimia, which I still struggle with. 

From January to March, I just ate and ate because they wanted to weigh me. As much I could lie, they would have physical evidence that I was lying. At the start, it made me feel so ill and disgusting but then, I came to realise how healthy it was making me and even after eating for so long, I got happier. I have gone from weighing 6 stones to 9 stones. I still struggle with it but they don’t know. I’ll be getting blood test taken soon, so they can decide what testosterone I can be put on so that’ll happen within the next couple of months and there’s noway in hell I’m going to jeopardise that by falling back into trap.

Coming Out
I came out to my friends first because it was easier. All my friends are pretty much in the LGBT community. Family was hard. I didn’t really come out to them all. I came out to my friends when I was 16, came out to my family when I was 17. I waited a year because my family is very traditional and they’re very catholic. 

I wrote my gran a letter and I put it next to her chair and I left for school and she read the letter and was like “I don’t understand it but I’ll be there for you.” At the start I thought this is going to be easy. It just wasn’t what I expected. It was a lot tougher. I thought her saying that she would be there meant she would be accepting but she wasn’t really. She refused to call me Kyle. She refused to use He, Him pronouns. For christmas she told me my present is she’s going to use my male pronouns. As much as I appreciated it, I don’t think it was a present. I think it should’ve been out of sheer respect. She’s better now though. My dad is still weird about it. My friend was over the other day, something happened and he said, “Like father, like son.” and my dad said “Definitely not like father, definitely not son.” It’s the little things like that.

Suicide
February, this year, I tried to kill myself. I got memory loss from the thing. I took an overdose of my antidepressants. All I remember is waking up in the hospital in intensive care. My gran has told me stuff. She told me that I had seizures and I had 10% chance to live. I had to get CPR 15 minutes before the ambulance got there. I just remember waking up in hospital having no clue why I was there. I did it because my family still being asses about me being trans, my depression basically became crippling at that point and I just felt like there’s no way in hell I can keep doing this. I was in my gran’s home when this happened, and they kicked me out after this because that’s how supportive they are. Apparently I cause too much stress and they can’t deal with it. So they kicked me out and my dad doesn’t want me either. That’s why I’m trying to move out. Even though I have got a house, but it doesn’t feel like it. I’m moving in with a flatmate soon, but it won’t be family. I feel like that’s all I need. The first time, I felt suicidal is 14, I tried to do it then and I was just sick. It didn’t work. I felt like I was so stupid because I couldn’t even kill myself. Then, over time I have been diagnosed with so many mental health problems. They always seem to control my life.